a moment to boast.

For the most part I am a humble being. This is, I believe, a good quality to have. However, everything good thing has the potential to have a bad thing associated with it (maybe that's negative thinking? whatever). My being humble, though typically seen as positive, has instilled in me a false sense of self. I have noticed lately, with the help of some friends, that my refusal to boast or brag about myself has left me with a false sense of esteem. I guess it makes sense really, if I consistently shut down people's compliments or encouragements in the hopes of being "polite" there is good chance that I might eventually genuinely stop believing people when they say nice things about me. Hmm, makes sense.

Today I happened to have a particularly successful day, and as I was sharing some of my successes with loved ones I realized I was completely belittling my achievements; when in reality, I kicked ass today and it is totally okay to show pride in myself and to brag (within reason) about my accomplishments. So, this post is dedicated to the successes that I have achieved in the last little while, big and small, because I want to believe people when they tell me I'm a rock star. So listen up and read all of the incredible rock star esque things that I've been doing.

School.

This past week my final grades were posted for the last semester of school. I finished the year with a grade point average of 94%. 945%!!! that is completely unbelievable to me. One of the top marks in the class, me, I am so proud of everything I accomplished this year, but more than a grade I am proud of the discipline, knowledge, and drive that I have proven that I possess. Receiving that type of mark was completely unexpected and so incredibly rewarding. Go me.

Work.

Never in my life have I ever been in the position of having too much work, yet that is exactly the case for this summer. Not only do I have even more families than originally expected calling and asking if I have even one more day available for nannying, but I was also called yesterday by a local daycare center (which might I add I never even applied too) offering me a position! To have worked so hard this past year and have the rewards so obvious is such a cool feeling! I finally feel like I have found something that I love, that I enjoy doing, and that I am good at! Go me.

Class 5.

Only a year later than I originally could have gotten rid of my N license, I finally did today. Of course any type of test is nerve wracking and induces some anxiety, but I had a lot riding on this road test today. With my N license, I could only legally drive 1 other person that isn't family, that is obviously a bit of an issue when my job for the summer requires me to drive around multiple children to parks and beaches and whatnots. BUT this girl, yes me, passed the test and officially has her full license! Could we talk about the fact that I almost failed and the literal words "can you pretend you didn't see that" came out of my mouth, yes, we could. OR we could talk about the fact that I have a full license, and that a pass is a pass. Go me.

Money.

I have been incredibly lucky over the past year that my parents are in a financial position where I am not required to pay rent or my bills while I am in school. Though any extra spending money is out of my pocket. I have (as the most of you know) had some pretty stressful work experiences, unfortunately I get exhausted and stressed incredibly quickly, and the mall is an exhausting and stressful place to work. So, after a year of working and being in school at the same time, I finally quit (withe the hopeful intention to find a nanny job for the summer - go me). When I quit I told myself to never let money be a deciding factor, I was quitting for my mental health, and if that meant I couldn't get Starbucks every morning, so be it. The week after I quit my job involved multiple families calling me for summer employment, but it also involved an unlikely cheque from the government. I apparently paid waaaay too much taxes this year, and I was welcomed back with a very sufficient return. Totally unexpected, completely unaccounted for and so so incredibly helpful. I have been able to put almost 3 thousand into my saving, and still have enough to start the process of buying dishes and cutlery and crockpots for when I finally move out. I guess I didn't have much control over the money game, but hey, I'll just count this one as being lucky. Go me.

Loved Ones.

I know I a consistently yapping on about how blesses I am by the people in my life. But I'm so serious when I say I couldn't be luckier. Family, boyfriend, best friends, high school friends, boyfriends' friends, families that I nanny, peers and even teachers. Literally every single day there is some familiar face that brings such incredible light to my life. The kindness I receive on the daily is astronomical. And I will go ahead and say that the way people treat me totally reflects the way that I put myself out there. I believe that I am a good person; a little delusional and loud at times, but a good person nontheless. Recently I have been thanked, complimented, and commended for the person that I have grown into; it is such a wonderful feeling to have people that have made such an impact on my life, inform me of the impact I have made on their lives. Its incredibly humbling and rewarding. I am so so thankful for the kind souls surrounding me and the importance they have on my every day living. This one is because I know that I'm a good person, and because other people see that in me as well. Go me.

So there you have it, a few of the reasons why I genuinely feel like I'm on cloud nine these days. From being lucky with finances, to school, to work, to just being proud of the person I am. Every day I feel good, I feel content and happy with the choices I have made and the ones that I continue to be making. This post is dedicated to myself. The quirky, wannabe optimistic girl with big hips.
Go me. 

marriage.

Today I am going to share with the world my views on marriage, in particular the constant stress of marriage that has for some odd reason been thrown on me?

As of lately I have been faced with a consistent enquirery from family members, old friends, past teachers, and even some people who I generously refer to as an "acquaintance". The question is this "When are you going to get married???"  And with each time someone asks me this question, I respond in the same way *awkward laugh* "not anytime soon, I'm still 19". 

19 years old. turning 20. that is how old I am. And even though I am still a technical teenager, I have genuine pressure to have a ring and say I do. What the heck. That is crazy business. 

I think part of the reason why so many people are curious about Paris and my potential nuptials is the length of time we have been together. It's been 3 years, quite awhile BUT when those 3 years started at the age of 16, it's really not that outrageous that I don't want to get married yet. And here is the reason why.

I look back to 16 year old Dani and 17 year old Paris and I genuinely do not recognize those people as the people we are today. The growth and changes that have occurred in 3 years is astronomical. I didn't know who I was at 16, where I wanted to be or what I wanted to do. I'm still figuring that out today! Paris and I have been lucky in the sense that our growth has been parallel; we are both different people today but we have grown together, we have grown into people that compliment each other. But it is totally fair to say this is not going to be true for everyone. 

I can acknowledge the maturity that has miraculously appeared in the past couple years, and I can only imagine the extent at which it will continue to grow. But to say that Paris and myself will continue to grow in the same direction is completely naive and ignorant. Do I hope that we do? Of course. But for me to make a life long, legal commitment to a person who is still trying to figure themselves out, it just doesn't make sense.

Of course this whole "figuring yourself out" thing is tricky, and it never truly stops; however, that is the exact reason why I feel that we shouldn't rush into marriage. Wait things out, why can't we enjoy the adventure of young adulthood together but without a written document saying that you will spend your entire life with this person. Why is it that people need a legal document to commit to someone? 

Another reason I feel no need to rush into marriage is because I don't feel that at 20 years old it is fair to oneself or your partner to make a commitment so drastic. I have seen too many times, and I myself have even been a victim to it once or twice, girls completely compromising their desires, their passions, their dreams to better suit the person they are with. I think it's awesome and important to compromise in a relationship, give and take goes a long way, BUT completely ignoring your wants is something that will live with you forever. Even right now, just being in a relationship in my 20's is hard. Constantly having different ideas or game plans as to how I will spend the following year becomes a lot less exciting when it's constantly followed with "but would Paris want to do that?" Marriage takes two individuals and creates an "us", which can be a beautiful thing, but it can also be a really bad recipe for regrets and resentment. 

I love Paris. I really do, and I believe that we will spend forever with each other. But I want to spend forever with him knowing that he is the only person for me, feeling complete in my desires and hopeful adventures. I don't want a life filled with "what ifs", I want to be confident in the decisions I've made, and I believe that marrying young and making that commitment to someone without truly knowing yourself just isn't something that I intend to do. But hey, all for those that are okay with that life. 

I look forward to Paris and my future with confidence, and I am excited to one day marry the man of my dreams. But that day isn't going to be anytime soon, I'm just too busy figuring myself out right now. And that's okay! 

*disclaimer: I know many people who have married young and are incredibly happy, I'm not saying it's impossible and I'm not saying I'm against it. I am simply saying it's not for me. Yet. 

4 Reasons I am My Own Worst Enemy

Have you ever heard the phrase you are your own worst enemy? Yeah, you probably have. Something about phrases that speak truth, they tend to stick with you. This is a phrase I find myself referring to quite often, and today I have decided that I am going to pin point the exact 5 reasons why I am my own worst enemy. So here it goes. 

1. Not Saying No. 

As of lately one of my biggest issues has been a matter of exhaustion. I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. Which totally makes sense! I am working part time, in practicum full time, taking hours out of the day to get homework done, spending time with various loved ones, and throw on going to the doctor, getting check ups at the dentist, shopping for gifts (still don't know why there are so many birthdays this month), babysitting, being a youth leader and we haven't even touche on watching Dancing With the Stars every Monday night! I have a lot going on. I really do. And part of the reason I have such a busy schedule and little to no time for myself is because I do not know how to say no. Sure, some things I have to do regardless of what I want, but there is a good chunk of my schedule that could be spent elsewhere if I could just learn how to say no. It's not even a hard word, literally just two letters. Come on Dani. 

2. Obsessive Overthinking. 

If you know me in the slightest you would know just how often and how easily I can ruin my day with a single thought. I don't know if this has been a habit of mine for a long time, but it's recently been pointed out to me and I would be an idiot to disagree. Sometimes it's the stupidest thing, but I overthink things to the point that it doesn't even make sense. And then I spend the next forever stressing about the tiniest potential chance that something awesome is going to go horribly bad. What the heck Dani. Just enjoy things. Stop thinking. Please. 

3. Procrastination.

I will admit, this is an area that I am increasingly improving on. And this last year of school has totally whipped my but into shape. However, to say I do not procrastinate would be a complete lie. I just think it's the weirdest thing that we spend so much time doing virtually nothing, and then cry because we don't have enough time to get something done? Like what. That doesn't even make sense. 

4. Comparison.

It's like they say, "comparison is the theif of joy". Truth. I, unfortunately, am a sucker for the dreaded life of comparison. I don't know why I do it. Well, insecurities I guess. I compare myself to my best friends and complete strangers. All the time. Gross, right? Whether it's grades, looks, job, intellectual competencies, or what I'm eating. I have put myself into this constant battle with other individuals, and the outcome is always the same: inferiority. And when I feel inferior to a person, this thing starts to happen where I give up trying. So yah, maybe that whole comparison thing isn't actually a good idea? 

So there you have it. The top 4 reasons why I am my own worst enemy. I think about some of the common things that create anxiety in my life; body image, school, time management etc. but really how necessary is it for me to get so upset about such meticulous little things. It's dumb. Dumb Dani. Now that I am aware of some of my biggest issues, maybe I can make conscious efforts to kick these habits right in the bum. Not saying no, overthinking, procrastination & comparison: good riddance. 

photography.

oh ps. I have taken the initiative to create another blog with the strict purpose of sharing my pictures. I am not calling myself a photographer, I am not looking into making money off of this past time.. I simply wanted a place where I can share all my pictures at once.

danielletompkinsphotography.blogspot.ca

check it out my loves! xo Dan

purpose.

Hello hello hello! That's right, it is your favorite time of the day where you have the privilege of getting inside my head. Oh the joys.

SO. First and foremost, an update.
My last post I mentioned some things, some "dropping out of school moving to Vancouver on a whim" things. That particular game plan has indeed changed (to my mothers gratitude). I am not dropping out of school, but rather graduating early without my infant toddler & special needs certificate. Therefore, I will not be moving anywhere until at least January of next year. This was a pretty tricky decision to make, but due to some behind the scenes paperwork type things, it is totally in my best interest to just finish one more semester. I can do it. I can totally do it. (the more I repeat that the truer it becomes, right?).

Another update to my constantly changing life is that I am finished first year in approximately one week! That is nuts, I cannot tell you how excited I am for summer. Not just excited, but I am in genuine need of summer. So that is, the best thing in the world right now.

Second best thing in the world right now: I have multiple confirmed nanny jobs lined up for those 4 months without school. I have been super blessed by some families in the area reaching out to me looking for childcare. It would be wonderful to have one family contact me, but I have had multiple! AND the families that have contacted me are being super flexible, so I can fill my time helping out multiple families within the week. How wonderful.

So that is the big news as of today, in terms of big changes (if those even count as big changes). But today I am writing for a different reason, a mental health sort of reason. Some people might be aware that I have recently been going through some stress/anxiety issues. I have indeed gone to the doctor, and even the Doc agrees that I need a bit of a mental break. SO I was lucky enough to get a week off of work, still have to go to school but we'll take this one step at a time.

It sounds sort of silly, but even just one weekend to myself without stress and worrying about a thousand different things has been such an incredible blessing. Just this weekend I have been able to 1. get my homework done on time. 2. play around with my camera (which I have missed so greatly). 3. go out for coffee with Paris (twice!) 4. Go for a walk with Paris. 5. Read. 6. Blog. 7. do some laundry and cleaning. and 8. go for dinner with my bff tamarama.

If you know what my typical weekend looks like, you might understand how freaking crazy it is that I got to do even one of these things. I have decided that my latest "project" is to do things with purpose. If all I want to do for a day is watch Friends, that's alright. As long as I'm doing it for a purpose, even if the purpose is to laugh for a couple hours and not to shower. That is gonna be my purpose for the day.

I think, and I hope I'm right, that if I start doing everything in life for a purpose, then not only will the fun and exciting things be fulfilling, but so will the hard and boring things. I have lived long enough to know that there are certain things that suck, but if I can just remind myself that there is always a reward (though it may be hard to acknowledge at times) then maybe doing those tedious things might seem simpler to do? I'm not sure if this game plan is going to be successful, only time will tell. But I am in dire need of a change in outlook, and maybe this will help? I dont know, I guess I'll keep you updated. Wish me luck my readers, I might just need it.

potential life changes

As many people are aware (thanks to the ever evolving world of social media), I have recently come back from a trip to Edmonton to visit my wonderfully talented, beautiful, gracious older sister. While this trip brought me many laughs, chill times, and new articles of clothing it unexpectedly forced me into a bit of an over-thinking meltdown. Allow me to explain.

People often tell me how similar me and my older sister are, of course I usually laugh at those people because my sister is Spanish and I am so incredibly white. However, this most recent visit has shown me how similar my sister and I really are. My sister is 26 years old, being 6 years older than I am; however, I often forget how real that age gap truly is. My sister has attempted multiple different career paths and lived in multiple different cities. She just recently started her own wedding planning business, her real life dream job! She's married, has a home, and is quite successful thus far. And then I looked at myself.

Departing from Edmonton on Monday came with a grave sadness. This might seem typical when leaving a family member for a lump sum of time, though it seemed different than that this time. After a bit of thinking, I figured it out. I was bummed that I don't have the life that my sister has. That's when Paris brought me back to reality, reminding me that Jenn was not where she is today at 19. Not even close. I am just like my sister in a lot of ways; I am caring, outgoing, passionate and driven. But the difference is I am 19, she is 26. 

I did not want to come home, not necessarily because my sister wouldn't be there (though I'm sure that did play a part), but because I did not want to come back to my life at home. I realized then that I virtually have nothing going for me here. Yes, I have a wonderful family. Yes, I have a few core friendships. Yes, I have a shitty mall job that gives me 4 hours a week. And yes, I am currently in school. But beyond my family, and a few friendships, I do not feel that home is the place where I need to be.

Thus comes the school factor. Do I love school? Oh yes. Absolutely. I love my classmates and the friendships that have been started. I love my teachers and all of their individual quirks. I love having a routine, knowing exactly where I'll be Monday-Friday. And I love having virtually no responsibilities. No rent. No gas money. No car insurance. And the only food I pay for is the $5 latte's I get in the morning. But do I love the idea of working in a preschool or daycare setting for the rest of my life? No, I don't.

I do love children, and I believe that one day I may continue this path, but for right now, after long and hard thoughts and realizations; early childhood education is not the path that I want to be on. I could potentially have the opportunity to work in a center this summer, in between second and third semester. I dread the idea of that and rather, I've been looking into what places in the mall are hiring full time instead. So I ask myself, why in the world am I spending not only my money, but two years of my life, pursuing a field that I am dreading working in? Do I really want to continue pursuing something that I do not love, that I do not have a desire for, just to say that I did it? Just to have a certificate beside my name? No. I don't want to be that person. 

My sister has found her passion and has worked her but off to turn that passion into a career. As of this moment she is the one who is encouraging me to pursue something else. Had my sister continued with nursing, teaching, journalism or business she would not be in the position she is in today. Had she not packed up her life and followed her husband to Edmonton, she would not be in the position she is today. She is still only 26 years old, her entire life is ahead of her. She's slowly figuring things out, and she's happy about where she is. I have discovered that it is totally okay that I am not at the same spot as my 26 year old sister, we're similar in stature and in personality, but we're still very different in where we are within our lives. 

Now, before all of my relatives and concerned citizens criticize me about the importance of education, and how I can't work at the mall for the rest of my life. I know. Believe me, I know. I do not intend to be a forever dropout, I simply intend to wait and do something different in my life until I truly decide what the right path for me is. And if that is being an ECE, hey, I'm already half way done. And besides, finishing the first year of the program does allow me to receive an assistance license. And for all you non-ece folk, that means I can still work in a center. Which means, I haven't totally wasted the past year.

So you might be wondering, what next then? And that is a question I am really excited about finding the answer too. Currently, I am in talks with two of my favorite people to pick up our stuff and move to Vancouver for the fall. What would I do there? Not totally sure. With my current education I could potentially find a nanny job, work in a daycare as an assistant, I have plenty of retail experience to back me, or maybe even find a receptionist or a barista job. The opportunities are truly endless for me right now. And as much as that scares me, it also excites me. Because I am in no rush. I am only 19 years old, it's okay not to have everything figured out. But I know that with the support I have from family and friends, that wherever I am, whatever I'm doing, I am going to be okay. And that is something to be truly thankful for.

So here's to the unknown, adventure and being totally unsure of my future.  But with that being said, here's to real life and to growing up, to making decisions for myself. To possible mistakes and possible blessings. I don't really know where or who I want to be in 10 years, but sitting on my bed watching New Girl is definitely not the way to get there. 

Thanks for reading yet another rambling and ranting of the curious life of Dani; and good luck to you if your finding yourself in a similar position. Totally clueless, naive, and ready for change. 
XO, Dan

welcome

Helllo friends, family, and those people on my facebook who really aren't my friends but continue to follow my every move regardless. Welcome to my blog!

Disclaimer: I have actually been writing in a blog since early 2011. Right about the beginning of high school actually. Though, until now, my blog has been pretty secretive. My lovely older sister, one of my hilarious friends, and my wonderful boyfriend have been the only ones officially aware of this blog up until this point. But, I figure, hey why not make it public? 

Besides, apparently if you googled my name it led you straight here. Also, apparently anytime I mentioned someone else's name in my blog, it would show up on google if you googled their name.. so people were slowly finding it anyways.Why not make it official?

As you may have already noticed, this actual blog right here is new. I have taken the liberty to transfer some of my posts from my past blog onto this one, as I felt that some of the words were relevant enough to do so. Pretty much, this little corner of the internet is really just for me. It's a place where I can vent, its a place where I can share, a place where I can reminisce and a place where I can put all my appreciations, thoughts and memories into words. If you just so happen to be interested in what I write, cool. But if not, that's cool too. But for now, these are my thoughts and feelings, my aspirations and questions. Read on if you choose too. 

xo, Dan.