a moment to boast.

For the most part I am a humble being. This is, I believe, a good quality to have. However, everything good thing has the potential to have a bad thing associated with it (maybe that's negative thinking? whatever). My being humble, though typically seen as positive, has instilled in me a false sense of self. I have noticed lately, with the help of some friends, that my refusal to boast or brag about myself has left me with a false sense of esteem. I guess it makes sense really, if I consistently shut down people's compliments or encouragements in the hopes of being "polite" there is good chance that I might eventually genuinely stop believing people when they say nice things about me. Hmm, makes sense.

Today I happened to have a particularly successful day, and as I was sharing some of my successes with loved ones I realized I was completely belittling my achievements; when in reality, I kicked ass today and it is totally okay to show pride in myself and to brag (within reason) about my accomplishments. So, this post is dedicated to the successes that I have achieved in the last little while, big and small, because I want to believe people when they tell me I'm a rock star. So listen up and read all of the incredible rock star esque things that I've been doing.

School.

This past week my final grades were posted for the last semester of school. I finished the year with a grade point average of 94%. 945%!!! that is completely unbelievable to me. One of the top marks in the class, me, I am so proud of everything I accomplished this year, but more than a grade I am proud of the discipline, knowledge, and drive that I have proven that I possess. Receiving that type of mark was completely unexpected and so incredibly rewarding. Go me.

Work.

Never in my life have I ever been in the position of having too much work, yet that is exactly the case for this summer. Not only do I have even more families than originally expected calling and asking if I have even one more day available for nannying, but I was also called yesterday by a local daycare center (which might I add I never even applied too) offering me a position! To have worked so hard this past year and have the rewards so obvious is such a cool feeling! I finally feel like I have found something that I love, that I enjoy doing, and that I am good at! Go me.

Class 5.

Only a year later than I originally could have gotten rid of my N license, I finally did today. Of course any type of test is nerve wracking and induces some anxiety, but I had a lot riding on this road test today. With my N license, I could only legally drive 1 other person that isn't family, that is obviously a bit of an issue when my job for the summer requires me to drive around multiple children to parks and beaches and whatnots. BUT this girl, yes me, passed the test and officially has her full license! Could we talk about the fact that I almost failed and the literal words "can you pretend you didn't see that" came out of my mouth, yes, we could. OR we could talk about the fact that I have a full license, and that a pass is a pass. Go me.

Money.

I have been incredibly lucky over the past year that my parents are in a financial position where I am not required to pay rent or my bills while I am in school. Though any extra spending money is out of my pocket. I have (as the most of you know) had some pretty stressful work experiences, unfortunately I get exhausted and stressed incredibly quickly, and the mall is an exhausting and stressful place to work. So, after a year of working and being in school at the same time, I finally quit (withe the hopeful intention to find a nanny job for the summer - go me). When I quit I told myself to never let money be a deciding factor, I was quitting for my mental health, and if that meant I couldn't get Starbucks every morning, so be it. The week after I quit my job involved multiple families calling me for summer employment, but it also involved an unlikely cheque from the government. I apparently paid waaaay too much taxes this year, and I was welcomed back with a very sufficient return. Totally unexpected, completely unaccounted for and so so incredibly helpful. I have been able to put almost 3 thousand into my saving, and still have enough to start the process of buying dishes and cutlery and crockpots for when I finally move out. I guess I didn't have much control over the money game, but hey, I'll just count this one as being lucky. Go me.

Loved Ones.

I know I a consistently yapping on about how blesses I am by the people in my life. But I'm so serious when I say I couldn't be luckier. Family, boyfriend, best friends, high school friends, boyfriends' friends, families that I nanny, peers and even teachers. Literally every single day there is some familiar face that brings such incredible light to my life. The kindness I receive on the daily is astronomical. And I will go ahead and say that the way people treat me totally reflects the way that I put myself out there. I believe that I am a good person; a little delusional and loud at times, but a good person nontheless. Recently I have been thanked, complimented, and commended for the person that I have grown into; it is such a wonderful feeling to have people that have made such an impact on my life, inform me of the impact I have made on their lives. Its incredibly humbling and rewarding. I am so so thankful for the kind souls surrounding me and the importance they have on my every day living. This one is because I know that I'm a good person, and because other people see that in me as well. Go me.

So there you have it, a few of the reasons why I genuinely feel like I'm on cloud nine these days. From being lucky with finances, to school, to work, to just being proud of the person I am. Every day I feel good, I feel content and happy with the choices I have made and the ones that I continue to be making. This post is dedicated to myself. The quirky, wannabe optimistic girl with big hips.
Go me. 

marriage.

Today I am going to share with the world my views on marriage, in particular the constant stress of marriage that has for some odd reason been thrown on me?

As of lately I have been faced with a consistent enquirery from family members, old friends, past teachers, and even some people who I generously refer to as an "acquaintance". The question is this "When are you going to get married???"  And with each time someone asks me this question, I respond in the same way *awkward laugh* "not anytime soon, I'm still 19". 

19 years old. turning 20. that is how old I am. And even though I am still a technical teenager, I have genuine pressure to have a ring and say I do. What the heck. That is crazy business. 

I think part of the reason why so many people are curious about Paris and my potential nuptials is the length of time we have been together. It's been 3 years, quite awhile BUT when those 3 years started at the age of 16, it's really not that outrageous that I don't want to get married yet. And here is the reason why.

I look back to 16 year old Dani and 17 year old Paris and I genuinely do not recognize those people as the people we are today. The growth and changes that have occurred in 3 years is astronomical. I didn't know who I was at 16, where I wanted to be or what I wanted to do. I'm still figuring that out today! Paris and I have been lucky in the sense that our growth has been parallel; we are both different people today but we have grown together, we have grown into people that compliment each other. But it is totally fair to say this is not going to be true for everyone. 

I can acknowledge the maturity that has miraculously appeared in the past couple years, and I can only imagine the extent at which it will continue to grow. But to say that Paris and myself will continue to grow in the same direction is completely naive and ignorant. Do I hope that we do? Of course. But for me to make a life long, legal commitment to a person who is still trying to figure themselves out, it just doesn't make sense.

Of course this whole "figuring yourself out" thing is tricky, and it never truly stops; however, that is the exact reason why I feel that we shouldn't rush into marriage. Wait things out, why can't we enjoy the adventure of young adulthood together but without a written document saying that you will spend your entire life with this person. Why is it that people need a legal document to commit to someone? 

Another reason I feel no need to rush into marriage is because I don't feel that at 20 years old it is fair to oneself or your partner to make a commitment so drastic. I have seen too many times, and I myself have even been a victim to it once or twice, girls completely compromising their desires, their passions, their dreams to better suit the person they are with. I think it's awesome and important to compromise in a relationship, give and take goes a long way, BUT completely ignoring your wants is something that will live with you forever. Even right now, just being in a relationship in my 20's is hard. Constantly having different ideas or game plans as to how I will spend the following year becomes a lot less exciting when it's constantly followed with "but would Paris want to do that?" Marriage takes two individuals and creates an "us", which can be a beautiful thing, but it can also be a really bad recipe for regrets and resentment. 

I love Paris. I really do, and I believe that we will spend forever with each other. But I want to spend forever with him knowing that he is the only person for me, feeling complete in my desires and hopeful adventures. I don't want a life filled with "what ifs", I want to be confident in the decisions I've made, and I believe that marrying young and making that commitment to someone without truly knowing yourself just isn't something that I intend to do. But hey, all for those that are okay with that life. 

I look forward to Paris and my future with confidence, and I am excited to one day marry the man of my dreams. But that day isn't going to be anytime soon, I'm just too busy figuring myself out right now. And that's okay! 

*disclaimer: I know many people who have married young and are incredibly happy, I'm not saying it's impossible and I'm not saying I'm against it. I am simply saying it's not for me. Yet. 

4 Reasons I am My Own Worst Enemy

Have you ever heard the phrase you are your own worst enemy? Yeah, you probably have. Something about phrases that speak truth, they tend to stick with you. This is a phrase I find myself referring to quite often, and today I have decided that I am going to pin point the exact 5 reasons why I am my own worst enemy. So here it goes. 

1. Not Saying No. 

As of lately one of my biggest issues has been a matter of exhaustion. I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. Which totally makes sense! I am working part time, in practicum full time, taking hours out of the day to get homework done, spending time with various loved ones, and throw on going to the doctor, getting check ups at the dentist, shopping for gifts (still don't know why there are so many birthdays this month), babysitting, being a youth leader and we haven't even touche on watching Dancing With the Stars every Monday night! I have a lot going on. I really do. And part of the reason I have such a busy schedule and little to no time for myself is because I do not know how to say no. Sure, some things I have to do regardless of what I want, but there is a good chunk of my schedule that could be spent elsewhere if I could just learn how to say no. It's not even a hard word, literally just two letters. Come on Dani. 

2. Obsessive Overthinking. 

If you know me in the slightest you would know just how often and how easily I can ruin my day with a single thought. I don't know if this has been a habit of mine for a long time, but it's recently been pointed out to me and I would be an idiot to disagree. Sometimes it's the stupidest thing, but I overthink things to the point that it doesn't even make sense. And then I spend the next forever stressing about the tiniest potential chance that something awesome is going to go horribly bad. What the heck Dani. Just enjoy things. Stop thinking. Please. 

3. Procrastination.

I will admit, this is an area that I am increasingly improving on. And this last year of school has totally whipped my but into shape. However, to say I do not procrastinate would be a complete lie. I just think it's the weirdest thing that we spend so much time doing virtually nothing, and then cry because we don't have enough time to get something done? Like what. That doesn't even make sense. 

4. Comparison.

It's like they say, "comparison is the theif of joy". Truth. I, unfortunately, am a sucker for the dreaded life of comparison. I don't know why I do it. Well, insecurities I guess. I compare myself to my best friends and complete strangers. All the time. Gross, right? Whether it's grades, looks, job, intellectual competencies, or what I'm eating. I have put myself into this constant battle with other individuals, and the outcome is always the same: inferiority. And when I feel inferior to a person, this thing starts to happen where I give up trying. So yah, maybe that whole comparison thing isn't actually a good idea? 

So there you have it. The top 4 reasons why I am my own worst enemy. I think about some of the common things that create anxiety in my life; body image, school, time management etc. but really how necessary is it for me to get so upset about such meticulous little things. It's dumb. Dumb Dani. Now that I am aware of some of my biggest issues, maybe I can make conscious efforts to kick these habits right in the bum. Not saying no, overthinking, procrastination & comparison: good riddance. 

photography.

oh ps. I have taken the initiative to create another blog with the strict purpose of sharing my pictures. I am not calling myself a photographer, I am not looking into making money off of this past time.. I simply wanted a place where I can share all my pictures at once.

danielletompkinsphotography.blogspot.ca

check it out my loves! xo Dan

purpose.

Hello hello hello! That's right, it is your favorite time of the day where you have the privilege of getting inside my head. Oh the joys.

SO. First and foremost, an update.
My last post I mentioned some things, some "dropping out of school moving to Vancouver on a whim" things. That particular game plan has indeed changed (to my mothers gratitude). I am not dropping out of school, but rather graduating early without my infant toddler & special needs certificate. Therefore, I will not be moving anywhere until at least January of next year. This was a pretty tricky decision to make, but due to some behind the scenes paperwork type things, it is totally in my best interest to just finish one more semester. I can do it. I can totally do it. (the more I repeat that the truer it becomes, right?).

Another update to my constantly changing life is that I am finished first year in approximately one week! That is nuts, I cannot tell you how excited I am for summer. Not just excited, but I am in genuine need of summer. So that is, the best thing in the world right now.

Second best thing in the world right now: I have multiple confirmed nanny jobs lined up for those 4 months without school. I have been super blessed by some families in the area reaching out to me looking for childcare. It would be wonderful to have one family contact me, but I have had multiple! AND the families that have contacted me are being super flexible, so I can fill my time helping out multiple families within the week. How wonderful.

So that is the big news as of today, in terms of big changes (if those even count as big changes). But today I am writing for a different reason, a mental health sort of reason. Some people might be aware that I have recently been going through some stress/anxiety issues. I have indeed gone to the doctor, and even the Doc agrees that I need a bit of a mental break. SO I was lucky enough to get a week off of work, still have to go to school but we'll take this one step at a time.

It sounds sort of silly, but even just one weekend to myself without stress and worrying about a thousand different things has been such an incredible blessing. Just this weekend I have been able to 1. get my homework done on time. 2. play around with my camera (which I have missed so greatly). 3. go out for coffee with Paris (twice!) 4. Go for a walk with Paris. 5. Read. 6. Blog. 7. do some laundry and cleaning. and 8. go for dinner with my bff tamarama.

If you know what my typical weekend looks like, you might understand how freaking crazy it is that I got to do even one of these things. I have decided that my latest "project" is to do things with purpose. If all I want to do for a day is watch Friends, that's alright. As long as I'm doing it for a purpose, even if the purpose is to laugh for a couple hours and not to shower. That is gonna be my purpose for the day.

I think, and I hope I'm right, that if I start doing everything in life for a purpose, then not only will the fun and exciting things be fulfilling, but so will the hard and boring things. I have lived long enough to know that there are certain things that suck, but if I can just remind myself that there is always a reward (though it may be hard to acknowledge at times) then maybe doing those tedious things might seem simpler to do? I'm not sure if this game plan is going to be successful, only time will tell. But I am in dire need of a change in outlook, and maybe this will help? I dont know, I guess I'll keep you updated. Wish me luck my readers, I might just need it.

potential life changes

As many people are aware (thanks to the ever evolving world of social media), I have recently come back from a trip to Edmonton to visit my wonderfully talented, beautiful, gracious older sister. While this trip brought me many laughs, chill times, and new articles of clothing it unexpectedly forced me into a bit of an over-thinking meltdown. Allow me to explain.

People often tell me how similar me and my older sister are, of course I usually laugh at those people because my sister is Spanish and I am so incredibly white. However, this most recent visit has shown me how similar my sister and I really are. My sister is 26 years old, being 6 years older than I am; however, I often forget how real that age gap truly is. My sister has attempted multiple different career paths and lived in multiple different cities. She just recently started her own wedding planning business, her real life dream job! She's married, has a home, and is quite successful thus far. And then I looked at myself.

Departing from Edmonton on Monday came with a grave sadness. This might seem typical when leaving a family member for a lump sum of time, though it seemed different than that this time. After a bit of thinking, I figured it out. I was bummed that I don't have the life that my sister has. That's when Paris brought me back to reality, reminding me that Jenn was not where she is today at 19. Not even close. I am just like my sister in a lot of ways; I am caring, outgoing, passionate and driven. But the difference is I am 19, she is 26. 

I did not want to come home, not necessarily because my sister wouldn't be there (though I'm sure that did play a part), but because I did not want to come back to my life at home. I realized then that I virtually have nothing going for me here. Yes, I have a wonderful family. Yes, I have a few core friendships. Yes, I have a shitty mall job that gives me 4 hours a week. And yes, I am currently in school. But beyond my family, and a few friendships, I do not feel that home is the place where I need to be.

Thus comes the school factor. Do I love school? Oh yes. Absolutely. I love my classmates and the friendships that have been started. I love my teachers and all of their individual quirks. I love having a routine, knowing exactly where I'll be Monday-Friday. And I love having virtually no responsibilities. No rent. No gas money. No car insurance. And the only food I pay for is the $5 latte's I get in the morning. But do I love the idea of working in a preschool or daycare setting for the rest of my life? No, I don't.

I do love children, and I believe that one day I may continue this path, but for right now, after long and hard thoughts and realizations; early childhood education is not the path that I want to be on. I could potentially have the opportunity to work in a center this summer, in between second and third semester. I dread the idea of that and rather, I've been looking into what places in the mall are hiring full time instead. So I ask myself, why in the world am I spending not only my money, but two years of my life, pursuing a field that I am dreading working in? Do I really want to continue pursuing something that I do not love, that I do not have a desire for, just to say that I did it? Just to have a certificate beside my name? No. I don't want to be that person. 

My sister has found her passion and has worked her but off to turn that passion into a career. As of this moment she is the one who is encouraging me to pursue something else. Had my sister continued with nursing, teaching, journalism or business she would not be in the position she is in today. Had she not packed up her life and followed her husband to Edmonton, she would not be in the position she is today. She is still only 26 years old, her entire life is ahead of her. She's slowly figuring things out, and she's happy about where she is. I have discovered that it is totally okay that I am not at the same spot as my 26 year old sister, we're similar in stature and in personality, but we're still very different in where we are within our lives. 

Now, before all of my relatives and concerned citizens criticize me about the importance of education, and how I can't work at the mall for the rest of my life. I know. Believe me, I know. I do not intend to be a forever dropout, I simply intend to wait and do something different in my life until I truly decide what the right path for me is. And if that is being an ECE, hey, I'm already half way done. And besides, finishing the first year of the program does allow me to receive an assistance license. And for all you non-ece folk, that means I can still work in a center. Which means, I haven't totally wasted the past year.

So you might be wondering, what next then? And that is a question I am really excited about finding the answer too. Currently, I am in talks with two of my favorite people to pick up our stuff and move to Vancouver for the fall. What would I do there? Not totally sure. With my current education I could potentially find a nanny job, work in a daycare as an assistant, I have plenty of retail experience to back me, or maybe even find a receptionist or a barista job. The opportunities are truly endless for me right now. And as much as that scares me, it also excites me. Because I am in no rush. I am only 19 years old, it's okay not to have everything figured out. But I know that with the support I have from family and friends, that wherever I am, whatever I'm doing, I am going to be okay. And that is something to be truly thankful for.

So here's to the unknown, adventure and being totally unsure of my future.  But with that being said, here's to real life and to growing up, to making decisions for myself. To possible mistakes and possible blessings. I don't really know where or who I want to be in 10 years, but sitting on my bed watching New Girl is definitely not the way to get there. 

Thanks for reading yet another rambling and ranting of the curious life of Dani; and good luck to you if your finding yourself in a similar position. Totally clueless, naive, and ready for change. 
XO, Dan

welcome

Helllo friends, family, and those people on my facebook who really aren't my friends but continue to follow my every move regardless. Welcome to my blog!

Disclaimer: I have actually been writing in a blog since early 2011. Right about the beginning of high school actually. Though, until now, my blog has been pretty secretive. My lovely older sister, one of my hilarious friends, and my wonderful boyfriend have been the only ones officially aware of this blog up until this point. But, I figure, hey why not make it public? 

Besides, apparently if you googled my name it led you straight here. Also, apparently anytime I mentioned someone else's name in my blog, it would show up on google if you googled their name.. so people were slowly finding it anyways.Why not make it official?

As you may have already noticed, this actual blog right here is new. I have taken the liberty to transfer some of my posts from my past blog onto this one, as I felt that some of the words were relevant enough to do so. Pretty much, this little corner of the internet is really just for me. It's a place where I can vent, its a place where I can share, a place where I can reminisce and a place where I can put all my appreciations, thoughts and memories into words. If you just so happen to be interested in what I write, cool. But if not, that's cool too. But for now, these are my thoughts and feelings, my aspirations and questions. Read on if you choose too. 

xo, Dan.

okay so pretty much..

I AM SO IN LOVE, 

my gosh, and it feels so nice. Someone to hold you at night, and someone to wrestle with in the morning. Someone to be silly with, watch stupid videos with, someone to laugh with, someone that I am comfortable around. Someone that has shown me parts of myself that I was afraid of. Someone that has accepted every single flaw, and kisses every single scar. Someone that pushes me to be my absolute best. Someone that I can rely on, and someone that I trust. Someone who loves his family, and loves mine like his own. Someone who has seen too much bad, and let's me show him the good. Someone who is compassionate, sensitive, and so incredibly funny. This guy is the love of my life, I believe that 100% and I am so beyond thrilled for all of the adventures that await us. 

adulthood.

The other day I was thinking to myself, and I realized.. I am totally a grown up.

A real life grown up, who still lives at her parents house.

Here are a few things that I have discovered so far, about living in the adult world.

1. If you don't find time for yourself, you are going to be very unhappy.

As of lately, I have been feeling very down on myself, incredibly exhausted, and sort of just defeated in terms of everything that has been thrown at me. So this morning I gave my shift away, deciding that if I didn't take a day to myself, nothing in my life is going to improve. As beautiful as it is to spend time with loved ones, it is so important to take time for yourself as well. Even if its just a few hours out of your hectic schedule, find the time. Make yourself a priority. YOU ARE NUMBER ONE. always. Read a book, work out, bake some cookies, write, listen to music, dance, clean your room. I don't care what you do, but do it for yourself. Not because anyone else wants you to, not because you feel you have too, but truly do it for the sole purpose of your genuine joy.

2. You really don't have to spend every second with someone to consider them a friend.

I so often convince myself that I am alone in the world. That no one wants to be around me, no one wants to be my friend, they all think I'm annoying. News flash dan, people are busy, you are busy, and sometimes we just can't find the time to spend with every single person who's company we enjoy. Last night I was debating going to my friends birthday dinner, ho-ing and humming about whether it would be "worth my time". Then I smacked myself on the head and said "of course it's going to be worth your time. They are your friends". If I have a hard time choosing between going out for dinner with old friends or staying at home and watching a couple episodes of the office, I am probaaaably the one with the issue. If I can't find the time, other people are probably having a hard time to find the time as well. So let's just assume that if someone says they love you, that they appreciate your friendsip, they are probably telling the truth. They're just busy. Which is 100% allowed. 

3. Sometimes we have to do things we really don't want to do. Just because we have to do them.

Wisdom teeth. Getting glasses. Working. Going to school. Waking up in the morning. Sitting at the front of the classroom. All of these things have one thing common, I hate them all. But again, news flash dan, sometimes we have to just bite our tongues and suck it up. Because all of these things are also things that I have to do, that I can't avoid, and they are truly going to benefit me (or someone else) in the long run. Just go with it.

4. Looking to the future isn't a bad thing, but don't live there.

Yesterday I was in target, and they had a bunch of housewares on sale. I had to seriously fight myself from buying a set of dishes, until Paris reminded me that we are not moving out for at least a year, if not even a little bit longer. Dishes can wait. Worrying about paying the mortgage can wait. Wondering what city I want my child to grow up in can wait. I am an adult now yes, but I'm still only 19. I am allowed to act like a 19 year old. Should I think about the future, yes. Should I prepare myself, yes. But I do not need to be living in the future, when my present is chaotic enough.

5. You don't have to be skinny to be happy.

Yes, I know. Again. Body image woo. Unfortunately, as much as I blog about my stupid body, and how I should be happy with the way I look, it has yet to genuinely stick. I'm working on it. BUT, one of my classes at school is about "health safety and nutrition". At first I was like "daangit, another source in my life to make me feel inadequate in terms of how much I eat and how little I excercise." But in actuality, it really hasn't done that. In fact, it's made me realize that being healthy is so much more important than being skinny. I could weigh 20 pounds less and be happy with how I look, but physically, I would not be happy. I would be ill. Right now, I am a healthy person. (Could I tone my thighs and stomach, yeah probably) but I am healthy! So screw you society, I am going to keep eating. (ps I have not stopped eating, don't panic. This is merely words, I promise).

another one bites the dust

of course this is a "new year new me" post.
did you really think I would pass up the opportunity to write something inspiring about the year to come while reminiscing the good times of last year? nope. So get ready for some cheesy, but adorable and cheeky memories and thought provoking ideas. Read on my loves.

2014.
Well, I just put 2013 as the title to this post, so I guess there's that. This past year absolutely flew by, like completely. I don't even know where I am in time, but it's farther along then I thought, apparently. This coming from the girl who continues to follow Hilary Duff's every move, and who still believes Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston should be together.

I am a girl who loves to live in the past. I post a throwback every Thursday, I only listen to the oldies pop station, and I look forward to these year in review posts pretty much as soon as midnight strikes on New Year's Eve. Lucky for me, this past year was actually spectacular. I had some really wonderful moments in 2014 (totally just wrote 2013 again) and I learnt a lot about myself. Here is a recap.

I was employed at 4 different places during the past year. Starting off with a management position at Rip Curl, saying peace out to that to be some temporary help at an accountants office, then back to Hillcrest for the summer, and now I am currently a part time sales associate at Teavana. My experience in the work field alone has taught me some seriously good lessons.
1. It is okay to be broke if it means you are happy.
2. Being genuinely friendly to people pays off, especially if you are serving those people food.
3. Standing up for yourself and putting your needs first is crucial. Always.

Currently Teavana is treating me pretty, there is drama of course, but that seems to come with working at the mall. But as far as a place where I can just go to work, sell some stuff and then leave, it is bang on. The Starbucks partner card that comes with the job isn't too shabby either.

Another thing that changed huge for me in 2014 is school. I became a student this year. After taking a year off after high school I decided on a career choice and have stuck with it, thus far. I have learnt that I genuinely missed learning new things, I seriously love children, and being surrounded by 25 girls all day every day is really freaking exhausting. But I love it, I really really do. This time next year I could potentially be fully licensed and working in a preschool. Yay!

This past year I have also learnt a lot about what being a friend means. In regards to who I consider to be my friend, but also in regards to how I treat those that I hold dear. I have actively sought out relationships that I feel are rewarding for my own life, investing my time and energy into people who I want to consider my friends for forever. Even if I am exhausted, sometimes it is totally worth it to be in the company of someone, even if its just playing a board game or grabbing coffee. Because the thing about relationships is that they are two ways, and even if I don't feel the need to grab coffee and chat, maybe I can grab coffee and listen. Friends are awesome, and I am so incredibly thankful for the four friends that I know I can always rely on, in return, I hope those people know that I will always be there for them as well.

This year I learnt a lot about putting myself first. In terms of work, unhealthy relationships, where I spend my time, and also how I think. I have learnt this year that if I truly want to be happy, by myself or with other people, I need to know how to say no to people, and I need to know how to say "fuck you" (in a slightly more polite way, but you get the point), This is still something I am working on, but we all have to start somewhere. I am textbook the most passive person, if I think that letting you walk all over me will prevent confrontation, please, walk away. But this is something that I am actively learning to stop doing. It's a work in progress.

Along with big life changes and lessons 2014 also brought me some killer memories. I was able to go to disneyland with part of my family and my boyfriend in February. I had the honor of standing beside one of my bestfriends as she married the man of her dreams. I played hours and hours of Catan. I turned 19 and celebrated by singing karaoke with a few of my favorite people in the world. I traveled to Nakusp with my boyfriend for a couple days, where we got to hangout at a beautiful hot spring to celebrate 2 years of being together. I said goodbye to two of my bestfriends as they embarked on worldly journeys. I had my first ever paid photography shoot. Then I followed it with my second ever paid photography shoot. And I even got a top 15 score in Just Dance (like in the whole world. no big). It was a really beautiful year, no regrets no complaints. The good outweighed the bad, and the people that I got to share my year with are all so genuinely wonderful, I could not thank them enough for the pieces of them that I will take with me everywhere I go from here.

Disneyland

Fall Pictures ft. Paris

RSS Prom - Photo Shoot

Summertime Lovin

Canada Day 

Madz 

Tameeks

Baxter Wedding

2015
I have very high hopes for 2015. I will be finishing two more semesters of school (hopefully), potentially being able to graduate early with a license to practice. I intend to visit disneyland again, hopefully with my family but if not with my family I shall go with my boyfriend and maybe bestfriend too! (cross your fingers). I shall hopefully end my mall employments and get myself a real job, or at least a nanny job to pass the time. I'm hoping for some glasses this year too, so that would be cool. Regardless, 2015 will be good. I just know it. Because in reality, when you're surrounded by such wonderful people it is hard to have a bad year.

I usually don't do the whole resolution thing, but this year I have a few things that I would genuinely love to accomplish. 1. Take more pictures. I have a beautiful camera, and three beautiful lenses, I have countless beautiful people that would love some beautiful pictures. Why I don't take more pictures is beyond me. 2. Spend less money on food. Where do my paycheques go? towards food. and not even the good food that I can make at home. Less eating out for this girl. 3. Make an effort to be stress free. Obviously I cannot be entirely stress free, but I need to get my but into gear and try. My brain is constantly swarming with negative thoughts and "what ifs", so let's try maybe not doing that so much?

This year I hope to change my thoughts, I hope to become a more positive person. I hope to learn how to let the little things go, and I hope to become someone who rejoices in obstacles. I would appreciate less tears for 2015, because I cry a lot. And it's really not necessary haha. I think that if 2015 could bring me good health and good people, I will have nothing to complain about.

insecurities 101

This is a lesson that I have recently learned, or maybe I'm still learning.
Lets just say that this is a lesson that one day I will potentially, hopefully learn.

It is exhausting 
living a life that has the sole purpose 
to please other people.

Literally, my life. And there is good odds that it's your life too.
and I, personally, am so sick of it.

I mean, we can go on and on about physical expectations. Ever told a joke and instantly regretted saying anything at all due to the fear of people thinking you're annoying? How about school, we pay thousands and thousands of dollars to have some stranger tell you whether or not you are competent enough to succeed in a field that you are passionate for. Makes sense to me. I have a genuine hard time being in a room filled with people I just met, because I can't seem to get out of my head the possibility that these people don't like me. Constant comparisons. Constant feelings of insufficiency. Its like this stupid competition that we've entered without any consent. And it's genuinely heart breaking.

But I believe there is still hope for us outcasts.
they think you're ugly, who cares?
they think you're annoying, who cares?
they think you're not smart or funny or competent or maybe they don't want to be around you?
screw em.

When did we, as woman and probably the men too, allow ourselves to fall into such a trap as to live our lives according to other people. And not just any other people, but complete strangers! When we die one day, which unfortunately will happen to all of us, do we want to look back at all the times we regretted saying something over fear of sounding stupid? do we want to remember sitting uncomfortable and fidgeting because there is, god forbid, someone in the room that is a size smaller then you are? or do we want to look back at all the times we said "fuck you" to society and their stupid standards. The times that we defied what everyone expected, but exceeded at the same time. When my days become limited I hope to remember singing karaoke at the top of my lungs, not the awkward conversations I had with people who never really mattered at all.

I, personally, am so sick of consuming my brain with negative thoughts. Making myself sick over the possibility of someone not liking me. Guess what Dani, not everyone is going to like you. But what happens when you try so hard to be liked by everyone that eventually you become something that you don't even like yourself? Nothing good, I can tell you that much.

So, let this be the first step. The first step to accepting oneself, flaws and all. The first step to genuinely becoming the person you are and being happy about who that person is. I have thick thighs, I'm loud, I'm not really skilled at anything in particular and I can be pretty dang annoying. But I'm also funny, and smart, and some people even say I have pretty eyes. I know that acceptance is not something that happens over night, but here's to trying anyways. Here's to not giving in to society's norms, and being happy about standing out.

Let's Talk About Christmas

Let's talk about Christmas. 

Christmas has and will always be my favorite holiday. How could someone genuinely not adore Christmas and all the lights and sparkles that come with it? I don't know, but those people probably don't have a soul. Just saying. 

Christmas has always been a special time in my life, first of all because most of my life Christmas has been seen as a break from school and other yearly stresses. This is more than relevant this year, as I finally get two weeks off from school (and apparently my new manager doesn't want to give me any shifts, so maybe two weeks off from work too?). Christmas is a time to relax, spend time with the people close to you, and, of course, presents. Presents, yes. Even something so wonderful as Christmas has its downsides. Don't get me wrong, I love going out and finding things that I know my sister will love, or something that my parents wouldn't spend the money on themselves, or a gift that will show my boyfriend just how much I appreciate him. However, we live in a world where buying gifts has become a chore, an expectation. And frankly, I'm not down with that. 

This is the first year that I have been less than fortunate in the money department, and buying all these gifts for people who I feel are expecting something, is sorta horrible. It starts with just the family, then the boyfriend, then all of a sudden work is doing a secret santa, oh and now school is too, oh what do you know you've been invited to a dinner and need to grab chocolates that say "thanks for inviting me and making me dinner". Gifts have become just another thing, with gift cards on the rise, the lack of intimacy in the gift area has been increasing. Sure, I'll write a detailed list of what I want for Christmas, where to buy it, and what color. That's personal alright. 

Now, before I go on and on about my dislike for presents (because its not that I don't like presents, I don't like where the presents seem to be coming from), let me just say this: this year I challenge you to be creative. Say screw you to gift cards.Search don't settle. Make a card. Put a nice message in it. Remind yourself of the person you're shopping for. Remind yourself how much you love that person. And above all else, do not dread buying gifts for the people who are most important to you, take the opportunity of Christmas to show your appreciation and fondness. Do not let the crazy people in the mall alter the reason and motivation behind all things Christmas. Keep in mind that a starbucks card is something that everyone might appreciate, but a homemade card filled with loving words is somthing everyone would appreciate even more. Its the thought. Dammit, how many times do we have to say it. Enjoy your holiday shopping, please. Or, don't do it. Because that is not what this dang holiday is about.

an appreciation post

We live in an age where dying is seen as an easier route than living.We live in an age where women would rather look at vile in the toilet than appreciate the curve of their own skin.We live in an age where mass shootings are the norm.We have cancer knocking on all of our doors.We feed off of technology, feeling more at ease with a cellular device clutched between our fingers, than the hand of another person.We do not acknowledge universal love. We do not encourage others.Our generation is lazy. Our generation is sad.But, our generation is also sick of being called lazy. And our generation is ready to start being happy.

This, is an appreciation post. 

Because it is far too easy to focus on the list above, and more often than not, we are blinded by the negative. We are blinded by all the cruel things in our lives that we feel physically incapable to lay our eyes upon the beauty. Our society in general is really bad for this, romanticizing this idea of depression, and lately I've noticed that I have been following this trend in my own life. Thus brings us to a different list. A happy, positive list of all the good things. Some might be specific to my own life, but I am hopeful that somewhere on this list is something that pulls a smile, a memory from your mind. Hopefully, this list can be bigger than the above list, not just in size, but in how much it truly effects us.

- People. They might be family, they might be teachers, employers, friends, or even strangers. There is surely one person out there that is a light into your life.

-Books. Having a bad day? Read a book. Having a good day? Read a book.

- Your favorite clothes. Literally what is better than your coziest sweater? Imagine it now, taking your bra off at the end of the night and putting on your favorite band tee. You have a dress that makes your legs look killer, wear it every single day.

- Waking up with the sun. 

- Sleeping in until noon.

- Your favorite snack. Chips, candy, carrots? Whatever it is, it's your favorite for a reason. And that reason is because it is delicious. 

- The first swim of the year. I live right by a lake, so this one is especially lovely for me. Not everyone is as lucky as I am in terms of location, so feel free to use your imagination with this.

- Movie marathons. It could be anything from Harry Potter to Star Wars to the ultimate John Hughes movie fest. Either way, some popcorn and hours of endless movie magic, yes please.

- Christmas decorations. 

- The cold side of the pillow. 

- Music. I don't care if it's top 40, rock n roll, or something I "probably haven't heard of before, they're like super underground"

- Long pointless drives. 

- Receiving letters in the mail.

- Sharpies. 

- A fresh cup of coffee. Or tea if you prefer. 

- Running. Fast, slow, down the block or for miles. 

- Baby animals.

- Also, babies.

- Education. 

- People watching. 

- Writing in the first page of your new journal.

- Your drunk Aunt at Thanksgiving dinner.

- Kissing.

- Holding hands for the first time.

- Getting drunk for the first time.

- Flowers.

- A fresh cut lawn.

- A long hot bath after a long cold day.

- Dancing. And I don't even care if your good.

- Taking pictures.

- Looking at old pictures.

- Watching someone fall in love.

- Falling in love with yourself.

- Family game night.

- Fresh fruit.

- Realizing you computer auto saved right before everything crashed.

- Coming into money unexpectedly.
- Being completely broke and content.

- Doing absolutely nothing all day.

- Crossing things off of your list.

- Being commended on a good job that you've done.

These are just a few things that I could think of at 10:30 at night. And already, I feel happier. There is so much in our lives that we have to be optimistic about. There are countless things that bring countless joy into our tiny lives. And that's the thing, our lives are so short and so insignificant, we have no other choice but to look for the good. I dare you to make your own list. And I genuinely hope that when you feel like you're having a bad day, you look at it. And even if for only a split second it brings joy to your face, you've won. :)